How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents

Are you suffering from emotionally abusive parents? Does it hurt deeply? Well, here's something to help!

 

1 Tell someone that you trust! It's harder to fight this battle alone. Have the courage to reach out to someone for help - a teacher, relative, friend's parent, or anyone that you know you can trust. Even if it's just a friend who can't do anything to help change the situation, it's important to let someone know that you're being abused. They can give you moral support, help you get away from your parents, or act as a witness if your parents deny that they ever abused you.

2 Try to do what you can to prevent/avoid the abuse, or at the least some of the biggest attacks. Try to recognize the 'triggers' (things said or done) that really set your parents off. If you recognize them it will be easier to avoid doing them to somewhat lessen the frequency of the abuse. Also, find safe places in your house. Try to avoid the areas where you are abused the most. Find areas (such as your bedroom) that act as safe havens. If you're abused everywhere, find another place to hang, get stuff done, and spend your time, such as at a library or a friend's house. If your parents allow you to go to friend's houses, go to your friend's houses after school as frequently as you can. Not only can you get support from your friends at this time, but you're also away from your parents.

3 Bite your tongue. When you are stuck being bombarded with the abuse don't harass your parents no matter how much you want to get up in their faces and give them a taste of their own medicine. Trying to talk and reason with them might work, but being mean back will not help and will most likely make it worse.

4 Tell your parents how you feel. Go to your parents at an appropriate time; when they're not busy and they're in a good mood. You may also want to to to a neutral/public setting such as a restaurant. Calmly tell them how sad it makes you when they put you down constantly. It will make the conversation more grown-up because you have stated your problem clearly and calmly. You might want to have everything you want to say written down, or have it practiced beforehand so you can keep your cool if they try to provoke you or get off-topic. Keep in mind that you are also setting yourself up for the possibility of more abuse from your parents if they're not at a point where they can reason and talk things out to make the family situation better.

5 Try to move on in a positive way. If you are able to have a good conversation with them, and they listen to your concerns in the future, you will hopefully feel relieved and know that you have accomplished something good. From here, you and your parents can hope to move forward with your lives. If you aren't able to have a good conversation or move forward with your parents, remember that you tried. You made an effort and gave your parents a chance to work with you.

6 Get some help from a school guidance counsellor or a therapist. The earlier you seek counseling the better. Over time, the emotional abuse will only get worse as you grow older and your parents start to lose control over you. This can change who you are as an adult and how you view others. The fact that they feel they've done nothing wrong can make even the strongest person, over time, feel unloved and as though they are at fault.

7 Get away from the abuse. The sad reality is that most abusive parents stay abusive - there's nothing you can do to stop their behaviour. If this is the case, and they are not willing to work on changing, think long and hard about ways to get out of the situation and away from the abuse. If you can get away from your parents and stay with a sympathetic relative, DO IT. If you have a great friend that you can stay with, DO IT. Save up some money, and make yourself a plan of where to go to keep yourself safe (physically and emotionally). Consider applying for boarding school or school away from home if you have the money, or applying for grants (financial scholarships) if you don't. Basically, if the abuse doesn't stop, get out of that house!

8 Have the moral courage to tell yourself that while some families are functional, yours is clearly not, and never will be. Trust your own judgement. Abusers will break your will to the point that you feel guilty about thinking for yourself. The worst abusers will make everything about you subject to their approval. They see your individuality as a threat, and will undermine it, if not destroy it, every chance they get.

9 Don't cry until you're sure that your parent(s) cannot see nor hear you. Some abusive parents actually aim to make you cry and when you do, they'll think they've won and will continue to attack you in that same soft spot. Like parasites and cowards, they feed on your weaknesses and inspirations. If you have a sibling who you know can comfort you and back you up, go right to them and share your feelings. Most of the time they agree, but some of the time it's just you that the parent(s) are aggressive towards (scapegoating).

10 Call the police if you can't take it anymore.

TIPS

• Don't let your parents stop you from living the life you deserve (which is a good life). The best revenge is to live well and happily. Save up money to give yourself some freedom, study hard so you can get into the school you want, and stay with friends and family that love and don't abuse you.
• Try not to cry, answer back, or get angry when they issue their harsh words and wind you up, as it only makes them do it more and they are looking for a reaction from you. Don't give them one. If you need to cry and let out your anger, it is best to do it on your own and in private and when they are not there.
• Ignore everything harsh that they tell you, and remember that being emotionally abused isn't your fault.
• Remember to talk to them like an adult. This does not mean to use profanity, but rather to stay calm, focused, respectful, and clear. If crying is a trigger, try to keep yourself calm to avoid hitting it. If you need to cry, try to remain focused on what you want to say and try not to let the emotions making you cry overwhelm your purpose.
• When talking to someone that you trust, be totally honest and open about everything. Don't hide or cover up the fact that your parents are ABUSING you.
• If necessary, get a trusted adult involved to assist you in dealing with the conflict and calm your parents down. It would be preferred if the helping adult was a friend of one or both of your parents as then your parents are more likely to listen to their advice.

• Emotional abuse is all of the following:

1. Being shouted at
2. Being sworn at
3. Being spoken to in an unfriendly and disrespectful way.
4. Being made to feel ashamed, small, foolish, embarrassed, etc.
5. Threatening of any kind. e.g. threatening to destroy a pet, kill you, hurt someone that you love, etc.
6. Sarcasm and snide comments.
7. Mocking/ridiculing/imitating/skitting/mimicking/impersonating
8. Making fun of you in any way - be it your hairstyle, weight, shape, clothes you wear, what you do, etc.
9. Preventing you/making it difficult for you to contact and see your friends and family.
10. Laughed at and given no sympathy when upset etc.
11. Constant/daily criticism and put-downs.
12. Name calling of any kind
13. Putting you down. e.g. saying that you'll amount to nothing, saying that they wish you were never born, etc.
14. Ignoring you and refusing to associate and socialize with you.
15. Talking about you and gossiping about you behind your back
16. Always blaming you for mistakes, problems, and stuff that you haven't caused and isn't your fault.
17. Treating you like a child and using baby talk towards you if you are a teenager or young adult.
18. Making fun of your illness/medical condition/disability and/or saying negative comments on them.
19. Making you answer questions/say things that you are not comfortable answering/saying.
20. Intrusion e.g. invasion of privacy, asking you intrusive personal questions, not respecting your privacy.
21. Making your successes and achievements feel like failures ("Well, 94% might be an A, but you should have gotten 100%).
22. Invalidation of your opinions and beliefs.
23. Constantly "shouldering" on you: "you should have done this; you should be like him; you should go into/would've gone into this profession, not that one."

• If your parents' abusive behavior continues into your adulthood, let them go. Especially if you have kids of your own. Kids should not be put in the middle, and if you can't trust your parents, they shouldn't be around your children.
• If your parents deny that they're abusing you, don't start to question yourself
• There is plenty of help out there; all you need to do is ask for it.

Warnings

• When you tell your parents that you don't like being abused, this may anger them and cause them to abuse you more
• Some parents may not be so cooperative
• Don't talk about things that anger them because it could make the situation worse

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